Feelings and Decision-making
I began life with a strong prejudice in the direction of logical rationality. Ok, I didn’t begin it there. I am quite sure I was as emotion-and-ego-driven a two-year-old as any other. But as long as I’ve capable of thinking about what I’m thinking, I’ve trusted my brain more than my emotions. I have a good EQ, mind you, and I respect my emotions. But I always saw them as playing second fiddle to my mind. I’d think about something. I’d listen to my emotions (or I thought I did). And then my brain would decide.
That’s always how I’ve done it. Not too long ago, still in my late fifties, I decided it was time to start letting my emotions have more say. Instead of thinking my way into a decision, I would now feel my way into it. My intellect still would still have a say, of course, but brain and emotions would reverse roles: my brain gets input; my emotions make the decisions.
That’s what I thought I would do. As I explored this new way of managing life, I discovered a few things. Emotions, as well all know, can be pretty fleeting. One minute, you’re feeling buoyant and happy. Then a memory or a worry flits through your mind, and your buoyancy pops like a balloon and you’re tense and anxious. Up and down, back and forth, hither and yon.
If I let my emotions dictate everything, I’d be bouncing through life like a pinball, aimless, scattered, and taking frequent hard knocks. Clearly, that is not a way to achieve peace in life. But still, I knew I was on to something, with this greater respect for emotions.
I began to explore past the experience of the emotion, which is really emotions as moderated by the mind. The experience of emotions is the idea of it in my brain. Instead, I began to observe how emotions played out in my body. You know what? Your body gets to emotions sooner than your brain.
It is my belief that our ‘hunches’ and ‘intuition’ are most often our subconscious speaking to us through our body. When I paid attention, I discovered that my emotions have predictable bodily manifestations. Grief is a downward pull in my throat, a tight, dry ache there that is almost painful. Anxiety/fear is a quick hard knot of tension in the area of the solar plexus, a grip of ice around my stomach. Anger is heat and pressure in the centre of my chest, and helpless rage is a sandpaper cup that abrades the bottom of my heart.
It’s not all negative! Joy is shimmering trembling sparkle that shivers from my lower back, up my spine, along my spine and out my fingertips. Love is a swelling ball of warmth that radiates out from the centre of my chest, soft, tender, and all-encompassing.
They sound so obvious, and maybe they are to other people, but to me, Ms (Former) Brain-Above-All, they were not. But now they are!
So now, when I “feel” my way into my decisions, I am very often doing that literally. I will think about one option or another, I will hold it in my mind, and then I will watch and see how my body responds. “I could do this thing,” I tell myself, and hold the image of that action in my mind. And “POW”, unmistakable and immediate, there is the plunging lead weight of dread in my gut. Now, that does not mean I immediately choose not to do that thing. What it means is I’ll have to spend more time exploring the source of that dread before I decide anything. Feeling my way into decisions.
How’s it going, this new way of being? Well, I can tell you this. It’s not that every decision has always been 100% right – how often do we get that kind of certainty in life? But what has happened is that very, very few of my decisions have been conflicted. When I attend to my body’s messages, I stay in alignment with what works for me. I stay true to myself.
True to myself. Authentically me.
That? Is peace.
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