Tarot and Self-Care

As is not uncommon with menopausal women, I struggle with insomnia. I can fall asleep, no problem; I just don’t reliably stay asleep. As a result, many days I function adequately, but not optimally. Afternoons are droopy, and evenings non-existent. It’s hard to have a social life when you want to crash at 8:00 pm!

I recently discovered that there is a doctor in my city who facilitates workshops to help people sleep better. I joined with a whoop of enthusiasm, and I am now into the wilds of Sleep Scheduling, the backbone of the program. The net result of sleep scheduling? On the plus side, a greater percentage of my time in bed is spent actually asleep!! Woohoo! Too bad the amount of in-bed time is miserly. To add ridiculous insult to injury, my body seems to have a firm policy against sleeping until the alarm goes off, so I’m routinely waking a half-hour or more earlier than required! What’s with that, body?!?

It’s like being a new mother again, only without the joy of the new baby!

(Though of course, it’s without the work of the new baby. There is that)

I have to admit I have lost most of my original enthusiasm… I certainly don’t have the energy to be whooping.

Mind you, even with battered enthusiasm, I have not lost my optimism that this program will help. I’ve made some gains! I’ll make more! Yes,  I will! Bring on sleep-filled nights!!        … eventually …

When my insomnia is at its most severe and I’m getting four or fewer hours in a night, I’ve noticed that I wake feeling sad. It typically lasts for 2 – 4 hours after waking, then, mercifully, it dissipates. No reason for it except the fatigue. I call it my “fatigue hangover”.

Though I’m not that sleep-deprived right now, in the last day or two I have begun suffering that kind of morning sadness. I assume it’s the cumulative result of two weeks of inadequate sleep.

So this morning I did a three-card reading for myself, addressing ‘influences from the past’, ‘today’s best energy’, and ‘likely outcome/result’.

Here’s what I got:

 

I was relieved to see the High Priestess as “the best energy for today”. A little mindful passivity sits well with my current mental capacity. If it had been, say, a Knight of Swords or 8 of Wands, all full of frenetic energy, I might have wilted in despair. But the calm, intuitive, observant-but-not-acting High Priestess?

That, I can manage!

The 5 of Cups in the “past influences” position made sense to me, too. I’ve had a couple of weeks of mild-to-moderate sleep deprivation. So yes, I’m feeling a bit morose and mopey, a little sorry for myself. Yes, I’m noticing the thing I don’t have — SLEEP! — instead of the things I do … and goodness, there are so many good things in my life!

And then that Queen of Cups. She’s the uber-nurturer, this queen, warm, kind, giving, emotionally supportive. The Queen of Cups, reversed, is very often about applying that mothering energy inward. And what is inward-focussed mothering, if not self-care? I decided to give myself a little warm mothering.

First, I acknowledged my feelings with compassion.

“You know you get sad when you’re really tired. That’s okay. You’re feeling sad right now, and it’s okay to feel that. Don’t worry. I’m here with you. I’ll stay with you.” Whereas before I had been consumed by the sadness, while simultaneously resisting it, now, because I was in the presence of a kind, caring, nurturing person — myself! — it was safe to just  feel those things. As soon as I realized — and felt — that I was safe, much of the heaviness lifted. There was a visceral feeling of relief, a very real comfort. Some light got into the cramped dark space of my heart and mind, and my heart began to lift.

With the weight lightened, I turned my focus to self-care.  I listed some tangible things I could do as self-care. I’ll take a nap, or at least rest, in the early afternoon, when I tend to crash. (An afternoon dip in energy is normal, by the way, even in the well-rested, and naps, done right, are helpful for all. We insomniacs just excel at the dip! Sadly, we also tend to be rotten nappers…)

So. A nap. Maybe a nice, soothing bath. A little baking? Play the piano? A long walk with my dog? I already have some granddaughter time scheduled for this afternoon, a true treasure chest of fun!

Then I remembered that day a few weeks ago, when I decided to view everything I did through the lens of self-care. Eating lunch wasn’t just ‘eating lunch’, but instead ‘nourishing my body with healthy, tasty food’. As I ate, I made a point of stopping to notice and savour the colours, the textures, the flavours. Walking the dog was ‘giving myself fresh air and treating my body to some movement’. (Given the ratio of walking to sniffing my dog does, I’m not sure it can really count as exercise, but “movement”? Sure!)

So that’s what I’ve done so far today. A constant stream of self-care. I have treated myself to a walk on a lovely late-fall morning, and made it a solid 5k, just to feel virtuous. (Aka, “walked the dog”.) I picked up an oat milk latte from the coffee shop downstairs. (Treated myself to a small luxury!) I did some journalling. (Took time for reflection and growth.) I wrote this blog post (advanced my business). See how it works?

My granddaughter will be arriving soon, and so I will finish up here, and indulge in some soul-feeding play with an adorable loved one.

And my mood? Good! I am no longer sad. I am at peace. I’m weary, for sure, my body is tired, but I’m happy.

Viewing my every action through the lens of self-care — what a great thing to do every day! Er … when I remember … Not only will it make my everyday experiences more meaningful and rewarding, but it will likely prevent me from taking on a task that is not rewarding or meaningful.

Thanks, tarot, for reminding me to love myself first.